How to get a headstone: from the cemetery call to the setting

A headstone does not arrive on its own. The funeral home arranges the burial, the cemetery places a temporary marker, and the family finds weeks later that the permanent stone is a separate purchase nobody has started. This article is the process in order: who may order the stone, where to buy it, what the cemetery must approve, who sets it and how long it takes. It is written for the United States.

Does everyone get a headstone?

No. In most American cemeteries the grave is sold without a marker, and the family buys the permanent headstone from whichever supplier it chooses, within the cemetery's rules. The exceptions are veterans cemeteries, where the government furnishes the marker, and the few cemeteries that sell the plot and a standard marker together.

Who may order it is a question for the cemetery. Most record an owner for each plot and want that person, or the next of kin, to sign the marker application, so that two branches of a family do not order two stones. If the plot owner has died, ask whose signature the office needs.

Step 1: Ask the cemetery what it allows, and who may set it

Every cemetery, and often every section within it, has written rules about markers: which types are permitted, the maximum width, height and thickness, which materials and colours, what the application must include, and who may set the stone. Some cemeteries pour every foundation themselves and charge for it; some keep a list of approved monument companies. A family that buys first and asks later can end up with a stone the cemetery will not accept.

Call the office first and ask for the rules in writing, with the application form and the fee schedule. Our cemetery rules checklist has the questions, including the ones that matter in a Muslim section. Note the section, row and grave number too; every supplier asks for them.

Step 2: Decide the type, the stone and the words

The decisions that set the price and the paperwork come before the shopping. In order:

1. The marker type. A flat marker level with the grass, a bevel, a slant, or an upright on a base. The cemetery's rules usually narrow this to one or two; the differences and usual sizes are in flat, bevel, slant or upright.
2. The size, in inches, inside the cemetery's limits.
3. The stone. Granite is the usual choice because it holds a polish and sharp lettering outdoors for generations; see granite or marble.
4. The words. The name spelled as the cemetery recorded it, the dates, a relationship line if there is room, and an epitaph. Settle them as a family now: a change after the stone is cut costs a stone. If any lettering is in Arabic, Urdu or Farsi, read getting Arabic, Urdu and Farsi inscriptions right first.

To settle the layout too, how to design your own headstone walks through it.

Step 3: Where to buy a headstone

There are four kinds of seller; the first one a family meets is rarely the only one.

• The cemetery itself. Many cemeteries sell markers made by a local monument company under contract. Simple, certain to meet the rules, and the cemetery handles the setting; the price is rarely the lowest and the choice is what the contract covers.
• The funeral home. Some sell or broker headstones. Convenient at a hard time, but the stone is made by someone else at a price you do not see.
• A local monument company. The traditional route: a showroom, a draughtsperson who draws the proof, and crews that set stones in the cemeteries around it. Ask the cemetery which companies already set stones on its grounds; one that knows the foundation crew saves weeks. The Monument Builders of North America keeps a directory of members.
• An online retailer. Covered next, because it works differently.

Whichever you choose, compare like with like: the same stone, size, finish, number of characters, artwork and setting, itemised. What a headstone costs explains the line items and what moves a quote.

Can you buy a headstone online?

Yes, and it can be the cheapest way to buy the stone itself. The rest of the job stays local, which is where online orders go wrong.

An online seller cuts and engraves the stone to the design you approve on screen, then ships it by freight to your address or to the cemetery. Shipping is priced by weight, so a flat marker travels cheaply and a large upright does not. What the seller usually does not do is apply to the cemetery, pour a foundation or set the stone. Someone has to receive a heavy crate and get it set, and the cemetery may charge for a stone it did not sell.

That last point surprises people. The Federal Trade Commission's Funeral Rule stops a funeral home from refusing a casket bought elsewhere or charging to handle it, but it does not reach cemeteries without an on-site funeral home, and it does not cover monument dealers. A cemetery is therefore free to charge an inspection, handling or setting fee for an outside stone, or to insist that its own crew sets it. Get that fee in writing before you order, and ask what happens if the stone arrives damaged.

Step 4: Get the cemetery's approval before the stone is cut

Nearly every cemetery requires a signed application showing the design, dimensions, material and inscription before fabrication begins, and some charge a permit fee to record it. A good monument company submits the drawing for you; if you are buying online, you submit it yourself. Keep the written approval with the receipt. A stone cut before approval is cut at the family's risk.

Step 5: Approve the proof and pay

The seller sends a proof: a scale drawing of the face with every letter in place. Check each date and the spelling of every name against documents, and have someone who reads each language read the inscription aloud. Signing the proof is the moment the family takes responsibility for what is cut.

Most sellers take a deposit at the order and the balance before delivery or setting. Ask for the schedule, and ask what the quote says about a correction after the proof is signed; an engraving error found at the grave is the commonest dispute with a monument company.

Step 6: Fabrication, delivery and setting

A grey granite in a stocked size can be cut and engraved in a few weeks; imported colours, carved shapes and etched artwork take longer. Then, in sequence: the cemetery or the monument company pours the foundation, once the grave has settled enough to carry it; the stone is delivered; and a crew sets and levels it.

Who does each part depends on the rules from Step 1: where a monument company sells and sets the stone, the setting is a line on its quote; where the cemetery sets every stone, the fee is paid to the cemetery and the seller's job ends at delivery. Ask for the setting date, then visit to check the stone is straight and the inscription is what you approved.

How long does it take to get a headstone?

Three timelines run at once: the family's decisions, the fabricator's lead time, and the cemetery's settling period and weather. A family that agrees quickly and orders a stocked granite can see the stone set within a few months; an upright over a fresh grave, ordered in the autumn where the ground freezes, may wait until spring. When the headstone can be set explains the settling period. Start the design early, so the stone is ready when the ground is.

How do you get a headstone for a veteran?

The Department of Veterans Affairs furnishes a government headstone or marker for an eligible veteran at no charge for the stone itself, in a national cemetery or a private one, applied for on VA Form 40-1330 with a copy of the discharge papers. Eligibility depends on the character and length of service; the VA's page sets out the rules, and its list of emblems of belief includes a Muslim crescent and star. In a private cemetery the marker is free but the placement is not: the National Cemetery Administration states that all placement costs are at private expense. A family may instead buy a private stone and engrave the service on it, as the father inscription article describes.

Do you get a headstone if someone is cremated?

Cremation is not practised in Islam, but the question is asked often enough to answer. Cremated remains buried in a plot or placed in a columbarium niche are marked the way a grave is: a flat marker or small upright on the plot, or an engraved plaque on the niche, bought through the same sellers and approved by the same office. Cremation sections usually permit smaller markers; ask the office.

Getting a Muslim headstone

The process is the same for a Muslim grave, with three differences: the section's rules are often stricter about size and imagery, the inscription usually carries Arabic, Urdu or Farsi, which not every monument company cuts correctly, and the dates are often shown in both calendars. Muslim headstones for graves explains what the stone usually looks like and says, and Islamic headstones near me explains where to find a maker who handles the Arabic well.

A checklist before you order

1. The cemetery's written rules, application form and fee schedule, and whose signature it needs.
2. The section, row and grave number.
3. The marker type, size and stone, inside the rules.
4. The inscription, agreed by the family and checked against documents.
5. Itemised quotes for the same stone, with foundation, permit, delivery and setting listed separately.
6. Written approval from the cemetery before the stone is cut.
7. A signed proof, read aloud, and the seller's correction policy.
8. The setting date, and a visit afterwards.

Start with the design

The quickest way through is to arrive at the seller with the decisions made. Open the studio, describe the stone in a sentence, set the type and size the cemetery allows, place the words in English, Arabic, Urdu or Farsi, and read the face at its true size. The dimensioned PDF it exports is the drawing the cemetery approves and the artwork any fabricator cuts from, so every quote describes the same stone. If you would rather hand that drawing to one company for the rest, Muslim Serenity Stones & Grave Markers takes it through approval, fabrication and placement for families in New Jersey and across the continental United States.